There are no certain yardsticks to measure my success in life, be it money, ownership of property, or the depth of my heart’s swelling from love; they are all subjective measures. Metres are too rigid for my taste — they could only measure the distance I have walked on the road, but not how far I have left my past self behind.

After 18 years of living, I have decided to measure my life’s success with air humidity. If I stuck my tongue out and licked the sweet humid air for a centimetre, perpendicular to the ground, I would taste the feeling of living. There is no other measurement more objective than air humidity.

One fine morning, while licking a perfect 360-degree (Celsius) circle of the 94% humid air, I realised my purpose was to share the joy of music with everyone around the world. It had been a lifelong dream of mine to be an inspiring musical artist who could command the stadium with the flick of a finger. Yes, only in a sweaty, lively crowd could I taste the 200% humid air. When I have tasted that air, I would know I have succeeded in life.

You have to start small to make it big. Before impacting the world, I was going to impact my city. So, every day, I woke up, brushed my teeth, and grabbed my car keys at exactly 6 o’clock in the morning. Yes, this was going to be the moment where I shine, where I sparkle, where I give everyone the sweet, sweet epiphany of music. This would be what it feels like to taste the glistening tears of everyone that I pass by on the road, my music so enchanting that their tears defy the laws of physics and collect themselves in the water bottle balanced on my open car windows.

I believe my neighbours are enjoying my music. I think they have gotten so used to my Celine Dion Best Hardstyle Remixes [16D AUDIO | NOT 8D] that were I to take a sick day, they would miss me like they’d miss a bus leaving one minute earlier than listed on Auckland Transport’s journey planner. Each drive-by I have taken around the block has brought me stares of admiration. I knew I had reached a milestone when I could taste the 300% humid spit of the neighbours as they blasted me with their adoration. It touches my heart that my music had so deeply moved them that they had chased me this beautiful Tuesday morning in only their bathrobes, desperate to get a glimpse of me, desperate to not miss out on the autographs that I had so generously let fly on their roads. I had not expected to get obsessive fans so early in my career. But, hey, as they say, all good press is great press.

Once I have earned enough to buy a motorbike, I would further hope to inspire the surrounding residents by revving my engine as I speed up and down their road, a symbol of licking the 94% humid air in a vertical motion to represent my passion for life.

Author’s non-satirical note: The need to be heard is universal, but there are many ways to express oneself other than blasting music on the streets early morning and late evening. Instead, consider posting on Instagram Stories.

Written by Elizabeth Pham and edited by Alana MacKenzie. Published on 2/12/2022. Header image by Mabel Zhang.